Not Related: Veganism and Eating Disorders
23 Feb
It’s no secret that I love lunchtime. Who doesn’t, really? I love taking a relaxing mid-day break to settle down with a healthy, energizing meal. Normal, I’d turn towards some type of wheat-based food, for a sandwich or wrap. For quite some time I’ve been eating an english muffin at every lunch! With my new gluten-free experiment, I’ve had to break away from my gluten-filled treats and find some other kind of satisfying lunch time meal.
Lunch yesterday was great! It’s simple meals like this that are just so satisfying for me. I cooked up a huge batch of brown rice to enjoy during the week, sauteed some broccoli and garlic, and popped open a can of pinto beans. In no time I was full and happy, ready to get back to work.
For today, I baked a sweet potato for about an hour, topped it with black beans, and paired it with some crunchy vegetables and hummus. Perfect!
Okay, so, this post isn’t only going to be about these fabulous lunches. I received a question on formspring yesterday that I believe is quite important to answer here on the blog, especially with this being Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I posted a shorter version on formspring, but I decided to elaborate a bit more on here.
You mentioned that you had an eating disorder. What’s the story with that and how did it fit in with your transition to veganism?
Gosh, well, it’s quite hard for me to pin-point when exactly and for what reasons I developed an eating disorder (anorexia, specifically), but I suspect that it was a mixture of a few different things. For one, I had been thrown into a new atmosphere that was very different than what I was used to and comfortable with. Along with that, I was quite unhappy with my direction in life. There were a lot of changes with myself, emotionally and physically, and my surroundings all at once and it really overwhelmed me. I felt alone, I felt like I didn’t fit in, I felt lost. My defense mechanism was to push this stuff aside, completely ignore the problems, and numb myself to all feelings beside hatred of my body.
When I was younger, I was fine with how I looked. I didn’t hate my body, and I didn’t love it. I was indifferent. Those thoughts really never crossed my mind. I was so active, with running and cheerleading, and very pleased that I was able to perform well in these intense sports. It’s when I stopped being active, due to a cheerleading injury, and then started again years later, where I became conscious of my body. This was during the time I mentioned above, where I was very unhappy. I focused all my energy into exercise, and as my body changed, I became aware of how I was eating and how if I could cut out certain things, my body would change more. I became obsessed with it. All my thoughts were consumed with how many hours I could dedicate to exercise, little spaces in the day I could fit in a bit more, how to eat less but still be satisfied. I had no time to think about anything else- and that was the point! I was numb to everything. I really don’t have much memory of this time either, it’s a blur. I can assume that I looked and acted like a zombie. I stopped leaving my house, I stopped contacting my friends, I dropped out of school and just ignored everything and everyone.
I was embarrassed when others express being worried about how I looked. I had never been pre-occupied with my looks and although I was addicted to disease, I hated that I had become so superficial. I consider myself a feminist and placing so much emphasis on the way I looked and striving for the “ideal body” made me cringe. I knew that what I was doing, essentially killing myself, was not going to change anything, but I couldn’t stop. I was confronted by a few of my friends about my appearance about how sick I looked but I just denied it. I felt so much shame and I thought I was keeping this huge secret all to myself.
Now, how does this relate to veganism? In a way, I believe that veganism helped save my life. Let me say this loud and clear, my decision to go vegan was in no way fueled by anorexia. I want to scream it from the roof tops that veganism and anorexia are not related! I was a vegan before my eating disorder was at it’s worst. When I went vegan, it was for animal rights and environmental reasons- that’s it. Throughout my recovery, I’ve been questioned about whether I was masking the eating disorder and resisting recovery behind the mask of veganism and honestly, it offends me. So, how did veganism save my life? I was sent to a well-known eating disorder treatment facility and was in need of urgent help- but I had to give up the vegan lifestyle. Of course, I refused. The woman evaluating me made it clear that she believed my veganism was fueled by anorexia, and declared that I would be unable to recovery if I kept following a vegan diet. Really? Did she really just say that recovery was unattainable for me? I understand her skepticism, I suppose, as I am sure there are some people who might hid behind some kind of label, but to say that there was no way for me to recover? I was totally offended and ready to prove her wrong. I left the facility that day with a new determination to fix my life. I returned to intensive therapy with a nutritionist and therapist who understood my dedication to animal rights and why I am a vegan. Plus, my vegan diet is in no way restrictive. Any non-vegan food that I’d want to eat, there’s a vegan equivalent.
I did just that. I struggled and I do still struggle at times. Recovery is a long journey, and I’m still on that path, but much further along than I was just a year ago. Animal/Human rights issues give me something to strive for. Instead of hating myself, I’ve come to love what my body and mind can do. My arms can give the warmest hugs. My strong legs power my bike up even the biggest of hills (err.. sometimes). I’m proud of my beautiful, natural body. Who cares if I’m a bit soft? I’m a strong woman and that’s what matters! My mind is (mostly) clear and I can formulate my own ideas and opinions and shout about them all day long. We all know I love to yell about what I believe in, and anorexia kept my mouth shut! I missed out on a lot of things that make me happy and I’ll never let that happen again.
This is already really long, but I want to write about what I do to keep myself in this great place now. Within the past two months, I’ve attained a level of happiness I haven’t felt in so long! I’m doing something right, and I want to acknowledge it! To start, I quit going to the gym. It’s a waste of money, energy, and time for me. Instead, I ditched my car (or it broke on me, depends how you look at it 
) and started riding my bike and walking. I dedicate most of my time to things that mean a lot to me- photography work, animals, activism, writing, and art. I strive everyday to be a better friend, lover, and family member. I make lists about what I love about myself. I constantly remind myself of what I’ve accomplished. I rely on myself for my own happiness! Sure, I have my off days- we all do- but the majority of the time I have an optimistic outlook and I LOVE IT!
Um, yeah! So that was long. If you’ve got any more questions or comments, you can post on this entry or ask anonymously at formspring.me/bitesthecrust.
It’s brave of you to be so open about your personal history with an ED, so thanks for that. ED awareness is so important, and I hate the assumption that having an eating disorder means you aren’t a feminist or that veganism has anything to do with disordered eating. Statements like that ignore the complexity and seriousness of EDs.
For me, food blogging has been a way to remember and reiterate my love of food, and to share that with others in a positive way. I’m glad you’re in a good place now!
Nicole, you sound so happy! I’m so proud of you for all that you’ve been through, and how quickly you were able to isolate what was and wasn’t important to you. Thank you so much for sharing this.
(P.S. Can we PLEASE hang out next time you’re here?)
YES! I was meaning to text you when I was in New York this weekend but I couldn’t find your number! I think I might come in again next week, you should let me know a day you are free
Great post. Food is such a charged issue in so many ways.
BTW, do you wanna come over and cook with me and another friend I’ll be cooking with for the first time? We’re thinking Friday evening.
You can meet our kitty. And my friend. (!)
Still need to cook together!
Yes!! I do want to! That’d be a lot of fun! Friday works wonderful
wow, nicole, this was really one or maybe the most well written, inspiring posts i have ever read…you are such an inspiration, and such a beautiful and strong woman. i admire you so much!
i really loved when you talked about parts of your body and the purpose they serve like arms embracing people opposed to just being a part of ones body that one may hate, or critic…my therapist asked me to write down purposes certain body parts serve as you wrote, and it was so helpful to think of our bodies as what they are, not just from a superficial point but as our one and only body that we must take the best care of, and treat it like it deserves to be treated.
It was so interesting also about how at the ED center they deemed your veganism to be an ed thing, they ALWAYS think that, it is ridiculous really, but i think it shows that it isnt a ed thing when you can adapt to eating IP food and not freak out too much over it etc…when i went to IP and even just told my psych. that i was vegetarian, she went off on a tangent on how that is such a ridiculous thing for someone to be with anorexia..but you are so right that it is not, it is SO not related, sometimes for maybe some anorexics it could be, but i know for me the 2 do not go together at all.
thank you for sharing this lovie, it was really such a wonderful, inspiring post…and btw your lunches look delicious, i need to vary it up and have a sweet P instead of the usual wrap/sammie/english mufffin etc.. ;]
sorry for the novel haha
love you,
xx
Eliza
oh gosh, your comment made me tear up!
yeah, the thing with the program i was going to is that when i thought about eating something with fish or meat or drinking a glass of milk, i freaked out because i would be consuming animal products- something that i believe is morally wrong. i would have happily (although nervously) accepted it if it was a glass of soy milk, though, you know? it’s really a complicated thing to discuss sometimes! i have so much more to say about it but i’m not sure how to make it all come out coherently!
you are a strong and beautiful woman too! so much love!
I have a lot of people ask me if my decision to eschew meat/eggs is a result of my struggles with anorexia too, and I have a similar response to yours–vegetarianism is what got me interested in nutrition and treat my body RIGHT. I would say that vegetarianism saved my life too:)
Great post! I think a lot of people who don’t eat vegan assume that it is a way for people with disordered eating to restrict themselves even more. People forget that there is a world of wonderful food beyond meat & dairy. Good for you to sticking to your guns and finding you peace with your body & with food.
This post resonated with me so much. I appreciate how eloquently it is written, how passionately your beliefs come through and how sincere your commitment to veganism clearly is. I have been relentlessly questioned about my own veganism too, and regretfully I have to say that in recent times it has made me doubt myself and my path. Most of it comes from therapists, dieticians and my Dad, none of whom understand that if anything veganism has ‘saved’ me too emotionally, though I still struggle with disordered behaviours.
Unlike you, my disorder predated my veganism (though not my vegetarianism) but I am heavier, and always have been, as a vegan than I ever was as a veggie. If anything, veganism brings less restrictions to my life.
I hope the gluten-free regime is working well for you! I’d happily eat either of those meals as they look like just my kind of thing: simple yet allowing the delicious flavours of the ingredients to naturally shine through. I have IBS and suspected celiac disease so I empathise greatly.
I am so happy you have come to such a wonderful place in your life
<3
~Jess~
heyy
“My arms can give the warmest hugs. My strong legs power my bike up even the biggest of hills (err.. sometimes). I’m proud of my beautiful, natural body. Who cares if I’m a bit soft? I’m a strong woman and that’s what matters! My mind is (mostly) clear and I can formulate my own ideas and opinions and shout about them all day long. ”
OMG Nicole! wow u r sooo strong/amazing/fantastic girl, thank u!!! Hope life is gong well for u haha, take care darling!
xo
Wow! That was great of you to share all this with us. You have a way with words to get your story across. It’s amazing how people just assume that being vegan you would have an eating disorder or the anorexia would cause you to choose a vegan diet. It’s great that you said being vegan saved you. As we speak those Carnivorous people out there are killing themselves as we speak, clogging up their arteries with fats and cholestrol. It’s too bad those nutritionists weren’t taught how plants, nuts, grains etc are actually the healthier route to take.
I’m not sure if I’ve comment on one of your posts before; if I haven’t then hi!
I’m pretty sure you just told me my story in a more eloquent and put together form than I could muster. As a journalist that makes me jealous.
I transitioned to vegetarianism because of the animals, but perhaps to veganism for the wrong reasons (at first).
Contributers included: Nathan Runkle from Mercy for Animals speaking to my class in high school, the book Skinny Bitch, videos of horrifying animal cruelty in the factory farming industry on youtube, and an informative podcast from the PETA website (which is admittedly a great tool, although I disagree with the organization’s crass practices).
When I wanted to get healthy I too faced skepticism from professionals that I could ever gain weight as a vegan. I was determined to, having fallen in love with a way of life that connects me to the earth in a way I can only imagine my ancestors felt.
I did a LOT of research into what exactly my body needed and, thanks to the book Becoming Vegan, arrived at the appointment to see a professional nutritionist with as much if not more information about where to get certain nutrients.
Go us for defying presumptions and raising awareness that the vegan lifestyle can be healthy and sufficient!
Hi! Go us! I was just reading excerpts from Becoming Vegan today, and I do believe that book has a section about eating disorders as well. I hope you are doing fabulously and thank you so very much for all the kind words
This is such a great post. I know how hard it can be to discuss those issues on the blog, but your story is inspiring and it’s encouraging to see how far you’ve come!
Nicole, this is a really, really beautiful post.
One of those posts that goes past the surface and really digs to the core. We have such a tendency to want to suppress our internal struggles as something inherently personal and individual, rather than admit to them a social phenomenon, and that’s the sense I get from this here.
Furthermore, the nuances of having been a feminist vegan struggling with anorexia is such an intricate struggle, and I really appreciate your sharing. My veganism, though emotionally confusing and frustrating at first, has gotten me through a lot of tough times, too.
This was an extremely honest and heartfelt post and I admire your bravery and courage not only in your recovery (for it takes great strength to get through an eating disorder and find your life again) but also in posting it here. May it inspire others.
Hi! I’ve never commented before but I just had to let you know how much I admire you for this post and for working so hard in recovery! Our stories are actually very similar, I became vegan almost 5 years ago for animal rights reasons and my anorexia began 3 years ago – totally unrelated. I too was questioned about my motives and even my mother doesn’t seem to believe me, she feels the veganism was a prelude to the eating disorder!
It’s amazing how well you’ve challenged yourself and you are truly inspiring! I think it is totally possible to recover whilst sticking to your beliefs as long as they’re for the right reasons. It’s great how you stay positive, it’s so important to experience and do all the wonderful things you were missing out on. I’m slowly learning to look after myself and nourish myself to be as healthy as possible
Anyway take care! Ida
Best of luck to you! I have total faith that each and everyone of us who is struggling can get to a place of peace within ourselves.
That was a really great post Nicole. I’m so glad to hear that you are happy and doing well! Your optimism is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing that!
It’s nice to know that someone else understands the frustration of having someone assume you are vegan because of ED issues. It hasn’t happened to me a lot, but it has come up a few times and it makes me angry. I guess there are people who do use veganism as a way to keep restricting their food, but it’s wrong to assume that we are all like that.
What a great way to celebrate Eating Disorder Awareness Week!
Good job for sharing your story. I know exactly how you feel about veganism saving your life. I feel as though becoming a vegan was when I truley was able to enjoy food again because I realized that it gave me what I was looking for- not a way to restrict food, but a large part of my identity that was missing.
Nicole-
You already inspire me in so many ways; this post just verified it even more! I have talked with you before about the struggles of this disease, and I admire your strength and self-awareness so much. Your dedication to both veganism and recovery is so strong. I know how passionate you are and you definitely prove that veganism/vegetarianism does NOT have to be restrictive or unhealthily limited. You set an amazing example of a healthy, nurturing vegan diet. Amazing. <3
Love,
Amy
You are too sweet, Amy. I am so lucky to call you a friend! <3
very interesting! you’ve come so far, and i always admire your meals and think of them as inspiration! i agree that veganism and eating disorders are not necessarily related, but i know that for me they actually were very intertwined. i know for a fact that i became vegan as a way to restrict..it provided legitimacy for limiting my food choices. but i was passionate about animals and the environment before my ED and continue to be now…i made the decision to add dairy and eggs back into my diet because i was not in a place to have any more self-imposed restrictions. one day when i am absolutely comfortable with my relationship with food then i willl consider going vegan again, but not until then!
I’m glad you think of them as inspiration!
Yes, I definitely understand that. What I mean when I say they aren’t related is referring to some health professionals that have said that veganism can lead to an eating disorder or simply that it IS an eating disorder. I do see that sometimes things can become intertwined and everything is always much more complicated than it seems! I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
Wow, your honesty is another thing that makes you a beautiful woman! You seem so sure of who you and and where you are, even if you aren’t “perfect” like lots of us try to be. This is why I read your blog. You rock!
yeah. rock on nicole! this is such a great post. i feel like screaming from the rooftops with you. thanks.
Wow, this is such a GREAT post. Thank you for so eloquently writing about your struggle and your veganism. I love that you recognise your body and mind for the great things it can achieve. Beautiful. I hope the rest of your journey continues on an gentle upward incline to the point where you can say the disease is well and truly behind you (I know that people say you never fully recover from having an ED but I like to think I have and I know others who’ve had an ED and think the same).
You rock, and veganism rocks!
P.S. I also eat a gluten-free and vegan diet so if you need any tips feel free to get in touch. Being gluten-free has worked so well for me and I hope it does for you. x
Oh, I could totally use some tips!! Thank you!
Thank you for this post!! It always upsets me, being told that veganism in itself is an ed – how can one really be so ignorant?
I feel that your a strong, creative and happy person and that inspires me : )
xoxo Melissa
I don’t comment too often because I’m so damn backed up with work, but every morning I check my Google Reader and read your blog as I eat my breakfast.
You are such a strong girl, and I’m so happy that YOU are moving in happy directions. You are wonderful. <3
Love you, Alexa! I hope you are doing well. I plan on visiting Boston soon and we must hang out when I am able to get over there@!
First of all, its those simple lunches that just make me smile!! You have inspired me to throw a plate of sauteed veg, brown rice and beans together, when i’m home (and with a kitchen)–its true comfort food at its finest!
And also, thank you for writing this post. You’re such a beautiful girl and remind me so much of a best friend from high school! I admire your values, and that inner and outer beauty!
This is an amazing post. I want to say so much more but I have to wake up very early tomorrow! Just wanted to post something, but I’ll be back to say more.
Thank you for your inspiring words!
This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing with us all. I know you put in to words how many people have felt and this will inspire others to get healthy and get on with their lives.
Nicole, I was blown away by these two posts. You’re so brave for sharing. I, too, am a feminist, and hated that my disorder seemed to contradict that so nakedly.
xo
I love your macro plate. That’s my favorite lunch too. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts with us.
I’m not anorexic but my eating disorder began when I was given a 3 pound bag of M and Ms as a going-away gift.
I left y career, my friends, my own home, Southern California and everything I knew for a marriage to a wonderful man. My disorder became eating a half-gallon of ice cream every day and a half.
I’ve stopped that but it’s still a hard fact of life that I have no friends here in Washington state (yes, I’ve tried but it seems that they *already* have their friends and don’t need any more.
I will start calling my old friends in Caloifornia, thanks to you. I won’t worry about interupting whatever they are doing.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Eating disorder is just about the physical intake of food. It encompasses a psychological element as well. As you’ve noted, being at a healthy weight means nothing. It’s the mind that’s calling for help and it’s very discouraging that professional physicians still can’t recognize a patient’s needs. I’m studying to be a music thearpist and right now I’m doing research on how we could apply music therapy to help eating disorder clients. It’s more to do with being in tune with one’s feeling and confidence again. It’s so much more than a slice of pizza.
I understand that veganism and eating disorders are not necessarily related, and that of course there are many good, noble reasons for choosing veganism/vegetarianism. But the fact remains that a significant number of people with eating disorders choose to eat vegan (or sometimes just vegetarian) as an excuse for restrictive eating, an excuse to say no to more and more foods. So while it was not your case, it definitely is for some other people.
hey girl.
i just HAD to let you know how much i appreciate when you say that you spent hours thinkin about your weight… and that was the point – to block out everything else. i think too often we focus on solving that part of ED and forget that the reason we get to ED in the first place is not the FOOD… it’s what we’re missing in our lives outside of food. food is all we have, in the same way a binge eater turns to it for comfort, an anorexic turns to it to fill time and bolster self image.
well put! ps… i really love your blog. keep it up!
- rebekah (www.clarityincreation.blogspot.com)
Hey! I just wanted to thank for you this post. As a fellow anorexia survivor this really hit home for me. I’ve been ED-free for about a year now but realistically it is something I will live with for the rest of my life. Even though I’m not vegan or even vegetarian, I do try to fill my life with as many vegetables as possible and for a long time my family shunned me for being “obsessed with being healthy” even though I was doing a fair amount of baking as well. There’s no reason why you can’t get a well-balanced diet while still practicing veganism and I just wish people would stop trying to link the two!
Really, great post