The Path to Recovery
26 Feb
Snow day! I had no idea that it was supposed to snow today and I was quite surprised when I stumbled into the kitchen this morning and saw the blanket of white covering the city. I had been saying that I was ready for this snowy season to be over, but I definitely prefer the snow over the rain.
Being National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I’m going to continue my little series on eating disorders today. I’ve been reading a lot about the disease lately and I’ve been inspired and empowered by so many people. I want to focus this blog entry on recovery. Recovery, for me, is more confusing than eating disorders, themselves. As Charlynn, from The F-Word, wrote,
“Everything felt like punishment. If I ate, I felt disgusted with any feelings of satiety I might have given myself. If I didn’t eat, I knew I wasn’t doing what I was “supposed” to be doing as a part of recovery, and therefore I felt like crap about that as well. If I had it both ways and ate/purged, the emotions doubled in their intensity each way. No matter what I did, I couldn’t win. At least with the eating disorder, I knew what I could expect. In this mess called recovery, I still felt like a prisoner to my eating disorder, only now I was attempting escape, getting caught, and paying what seemed like even more brutal consequences than what I was dealing with before.”
Recovery is damn-hard because we have no idea what to expect. I forgot what it was like to not hate myself. Recovering, at first, felt so wrong and I was constantly battling my own demons. I knew that I had a problem, even before I was clinically diagnosed with anorexia, but fighting it felt just as wrong as letting it engulf me. For that reason, squashing an eating disorder is so challenging.
I read a zine last night, Ladders & Hips, which discusses eating disorders, self-injury, and sexual assault. Kyla writes about one thing in particular that I think it really important to mention and it’s that clinically diagnosed people are not the only people who are suffering from eating disorders. She writes that,
“Doctors and officials were only interested in numbers- but I knew something was wrong and my friends helped me acknowledge it, even if the powers that be didn’t.”
My experience with doctors and other medical professionals was quite similar. In the beginning of my eating disorder, I so very badly wanted to go to a nutritionist. I wanted someone to tell me that the way I was eating and exercising was harmful, so that I had a reason to stop this behavior and just go back to normal life. I begged my mom to book me an appointment. It’s sad that I needed this validation from a “professional” and that I couldn’t just take the validation from myself. But anyway, I found someone, went, and told her about my routines, she wrote stuff down, analyzed and said that what I was doing seemed great! “What do you weigh, like 115 pounds?”, she asked me. I don’t know, I didn’t have a scale, but sure. She said that I was living a healthy life, it was okay for me because I weighed a healthy amount for my height. It was okay that I was exercising like a mad woman. It’s all okay- these disordered thoughts! I guess I shouldn’t go back to normal life then. Keep on keeping on. Yikes.
Before long, I spiraled out of control and I fit that clinical definition and then that I was able to receive the treatment that I so very badly needed when I first went to the nutritionist. So I did. Even so, when you reach that “healthy weight”, it means you’re recovered, right? It’s a lot more complicated than that, but insurance cuts out then and I believe that’s one heck of a problem for a lot of people. I’ve talked to a lot of people with eating disorders of all kinds, and most of the time, we’ve all agreed that reaching the “healthy weight” doesn’t always mean you are recovered. Not all people have the luxury of treatment, anyway, and this is where self-treatment becomes so important. This past August was the most horrifying, awful month, disordered-thinking-wise. I wasn’t underweight though, not close. However, I believed that I wasn’t physically sick enough to go back to treatment so I just stewed in my own misery. A very unfortunate event snapped me out of it, and I took recovery into my own hands. Here’s what I did.
- I confronted the problem. I realized that I had a problem, even if I was at a “healthy weight” that needed to be fixed; there was no other option. Eating disorders are diseases and it was not my fault.
- I separated myself from the eating disorder. I felt like being anorexia made me different and it made me feel special, as sick as that sounds. It was a part of me. I always had anorexia to fall back on. This is sick. It makes me nauseous to believe I ever thought about myself this way. I had to separate myself from anorexia. I forgot who I was without anorexia. Anorexia is not part of me! It’s a disease. Rediscovering who I was without a disease was liberating.
- Telling someone. On the outside, an on-looker may not have noticed that I was struggling. I was at a perfectly normal weight back in August. I told my mother and a few friends how badly I was struggling. This was really difficult to face, but it’s a necessity. When I let someone else into my head, I couldn’t deny it anymore. It made the problem real. It’s really great to have someone to hold you accountable because, during recovery, it’s sometimes hard to do yourself.
- As Kyla writes in Ladders & Hips, “Make it political. Feminism: “take up space,” “start a revolution: love your body.” Eating is sticking it to the man.” I love that.
- Set goals, but don’t beat myself up if I don’t make them perfectly everyday. Recovery is hard and there will be good days and bad days. I strived to meet them as best as I could and not just give up if I didn’t meet them all the time.
- Taking away my triggers. I threw away the scale (literally, threw it so that it broke- very liberating), gave away my too small clothes, hid the measuring cups, cancel my gym membership- that sort of thing.
- Made myself leave the house. I tried to reconnect with friends, rid myself of negativity and rediscover what I loved to do: travel, explore, read, bake, eat, blog, ride my bike, knit, teach, learn, smile, laugh, play music. Ridding myself of negativity was the hardest and most rewarding. I wake up and actively decide that it’s going to be a good day, no matter what. This usually works! Who knew it was so easy to have a good day?
- EAT! I have always loved food. I ate real, delicious, whole food and plenty of it.
That’s what worked for me! I’m not trying to say that you shouldn’t go to medical professionals, though. If you can, you should. Most of them know what they are doing and they will help you. If you can’t, know that it is possible to recover on your own and you should. Recovery is a long and complicated journey and help can come from many different angles.
Taking a cue from Astrid again, I’d recommend making a list of things you enjoy doing to keep your sanity. I have one myself, and I default to one of these activities when I feel negativity coming on. Here’s my list, if you’re interested!
Keeping Sane
- Go for a bike ride. Go anywhere- a coffee shop, a friend’s house, a park.
- Take photos! I like to walk to the nearby park and shoot away.
- Draw.
- Cook or bake. Obviously!
- Play guitar/ukulele and sing. I’d also like to use this space to apologize to my neighbors for the loud, off-key shower singing yesterday.
- Read- books, newspapers, blogs, zines, anything!
- Knitting. I can only make scarves, but I love knitting. It keeps my hands busy and I do can do it while watching movies!
- Talk to a friend. I’m learning to love talking on the phone!
- Write a letter to a friend. Anyone want to be my pen-pal?
- Dance! Also, remember to close the blinds so my neighbors can’t see me. Not that I really have any shame about my sweet moves..
What’s yours?
Oh, and I got a small heart tattoo on my wrist yesterday. I think this will help remind myself to love my body and love myself.
Before I go, I want to put it out there that if anyone needs someone to talk to- about anything- please feel free to email me. My email address is carpentern2@gmail.com. Also, you should check out these posts by some beautiful, strong women across the blog-o-sphere:
“I Love to Eat”: Embracing Our Appetites by Gena from Choosing Raw
How I Got Help by Melissa from Trying To Heal
Time to make lunch! Food posts coming soon 
Nicole, thank you so much for sharing again! I never was diagnosed with an eating disorder, but like you said, it can still be an issue even if it’s not officially validated (although one doctor mildly suggested it for me). But yeah, I’ve definitely struggled with being on the verge of one, or maybe even more than that, and I can really relate to this post. You’re so brave to write about this, and an inspiration to us all!
It’s still so very much an issue. No one deserves to be consumed with stuff like this
Love you, Nora!
You. are. AMAZING. Thank you for speaking so openly and honestly about an issue that affects far too many women and girl’s lives. You are such an inspiration, there is hope and there is joy after an eating disorder. THANK YOU! You are changing and saving so many lives.
I don’t even know what to say! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support
thank you for sharing this! i wish you never had to struggle with this but you are such an amazing woman (and blogger!) and an inspiration to many. it’s so good to know that there is a light at the end of all this, right? i always look forward to reading your posts, and i will even more so now that i can relate so strongly to you and your experience!!
Sweetie,
Another stunning post. I am 100% of the belief that a healthy weight does not equal recovery. Anorexia is a disorder of the mind AND the body. I was healthy and stable in body far before my mind had settled into a healthy place. It was a grueling, tough, sad process. I hated living in my own body, and each meal was an uphill battle. But I persisted, and somehow — miraculously — time and commitment did the trick.
Thank you for sharing your experiences this week. You rock. I totally would love for us to grab lunch or dinner and gab.
xoxo
What a heart warming post. Thank you for reaching out to those that need help. This is a very serious issue. Glad to hear people opening up about their past and how they’ve recovered. It gives a lot of us inspiration.
you articulate all of this so incredibly well and your posts this week are really valuable to me. so, thanks. i need to make a keeping-sane list, what a good idea. also, i want to be your pen pal! i miss writing letters!
I really do love your tattoo, thats where I want to get mine only I would love to get a four leaf clover. I really appreciate you writing this series of posts. Disordered eating is something that I struggle with, and like you when I went to a RD they told me that I was perfectly healthy and that I had what every woman wanted to have. Inside I was just wishing for help, and it seemed like no one could understand. I still struggle somedays, and since im working on it alone its tough but i know its making me stronger
this is so great! thanks for bringing these issues to light. i think that even if people don’t have diagnosed eating disorders, eating can still be a difficult/sensitive subject for a lot of people, especially as it relates to body image. we are not exactly taught to love our bodies as they are–we are told to constantly strive for something different, or “better.” i think that everyone (especially women) needs to learn to love their bodies by making it about themselves. we worry so much about what our outward appearance is, and how we come off to others, that we forget to do things for ourself. i’m glad that you’ve found ways to do that in your daily life.
very inspirational!
This is a great post. I love how practical it is and that you’ve highlighted that you can have a healthy body weight but not a healthy mindset. I think so many people know they need help but don’t think they can get it because they’re still at a healthy weight; and this is so damaging. Thanks for sharing Nicole. xxx
Eating disorder doesn’t go away just because you are in a healthy weight and every person who has eating disorder would tell exactly the same thing. So many friends of mine had this terrible disease. I tried to help them the better I could, but if the person doesn’t want to recover, you can’t do anything about it. Only the person himself can step forward.
Accepting its eating disorder is a first step to recover. But it is more important afterwards to look beyond that. Food shouldn’t be a torture but a pleasure. Pleasure to share a lovely dish with a beloved one, share a beautiful discussion that you will never forget. In our industrialised countries, it is so complicated to know nowaday its hunger.
I can guess how difficult it is for you to confess your eating disorder on your blog, but I’m sure you’ll overcome everything very soon. First of all, because you are strong and brave, secondly because food is not everything in a life. You are a beautiful person Nicole, inside and outside. Never forget it !
Here is a lovely story a French psychologist told in one of his book :
A tale of headache:
“In this country that I know very well for visiting it, all children were born with a seed of love that could only germinate in their heart.
What you should know is that this seed was very special … very original because it consisted of two halves of seeds. Half seed of love for oneself and one half of seed of love for others.
You’re going to say: “It’s not fair, it’s disproportionated, it cannot work! A half for one, fair enough, because we must love one another. But only half of seed of love for others, for all the others, that’s impossible ! That’s okay at the beginning of life when a child doesn’t have so many people to love… only his mother, his father, one or two grandparents… But later, when you’re an adult and you’re able to love so many people, how can you do that ? One half of seed of love to share with so much love … This is unbearable ! “.
Of course, you would say all this is due to passion, but that’s how it was on that country ! And besides, those who knew how to germinate and flourish each half of seed of love with intensity, with passion, with enthusiasm and respect, those persons discovered later that they could both love themselves and love, love and be loved.
Those who only developed a half of seed, because they loved themselves too much or only loved others, or loved only one person in the world, those persons had a half seed so hardened, which hardened so much their heart … that sometimes they had a terrible headache.
Oh God! How hard it must be to only live with a half seed of love ! Especially since there is no cure for these kind of headache, which can stay so many years.
Thus ends the tale of headache, which are most of time sore of heart. ”
This tale is so true ! Eating disorder has to do with sore of heart cos you think no one loves you as you already hate yourself.
Nicole, as said singer Mika : “You are golden !”. Your past is behind you, don’t look backwards. Those terrible moments don’t belong to you anymore.
Have a lovely week-end !
xxx
Julie
Thank you so much! This comment is so beautiful. You are wonderful <3
Another really honest and beautiful post. You write so well! It is devastating that you have to fit the clinical definition of an eating disorder such as anorexia before you are able to get help. Sometimes I wish I could share my past with others as you have so bravely done here. I hope that it inspires others in their recovery.
Thank you so much for posting this.. I’m currently really struggling with the fact that I do have a problem, but finding it difficult to justify getting help because I’m not ‘underweight.’ It’s all the same thought process though.. It’s completely psychological. Thank you again. “Eating is sticking it to the man.” I love that!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s beautifully written, and I know it will be a help and inspiration to others dealing with these issues. I love the tattoo! Congratulations!
love your tattoo, and the brave post.
thank you for the wonderful post. it’s really empowering.
i’ve been struggling with disordered eating for 8 years, but have never been diagnosed with it – heck, i haven’t eaven been to a nutritionist’s. but it’s only this year that i’ve really started coming to terms with my problem. the recovery, it’s really hard. but after a while, it’s happy in a way. seeing my mind shift from disordered thoughts towards something more positive and light.
even though i agree that it’s unbelievably hard. the times when my mind lets the haunting thoughts back in, and.. I always had anorexia to fall back on. — it’s probably the first time i’ve read it spelled out so clearly; i’ve had the same feeling – well, not anorexia in my case, but still. the fact is, i still get the thoughts like that.
but reading posts like this remind me that YES, i can. i can get better, i can take back the life that the EDs have stolen from me. i can and i will.
thank you once more.
I love reading your blog. I went through the same thing and it feels so good to be able to relate. Thank you.
you are amazing and inspiring!!! HUGS!